Some Days Are Shitty

     Constipation in dogs is potentially lethal, as I discovered today.  After a pretty good walk, Jack and I stopped so he could do his business.  He was having trouble, but I waited patiently as he struggled.  About five minutes into it, he started yelping and howling.  My first thought was that he was trying to pass a watermelon.  I had to think back seriously about all the things I'd caught him eating.  What could be causing so much distress?

      He gazed pitifully at me, his little brown eyes huge as he winced. His little back end pulsed with labor.  Poor puppy!  We've all been there.  He tried to reach back with his mouth to help things along, but couldn't reach. He whined and cried and walked around the yard.  I was worried about him.  I wondered if olive oil would help, or maybe something soaked in butter or grease.  I worried that I might have to reach up there.  Gross, right?  Well, let me tell you friends, that is nothing compared to what was to come.  

     I picked him up and carried him to the apartment.  I didn't want him to have to struggle up the stairs with such a heavy load.  I'm pretty broke at the moment, so I was terrified of a vet bill.  Would they be willing to bill me?  Take payments?  Would they work with me?  I googled the situation and found that most dog constipation is a very serious case and can be lethal within 48 hours.  There were tons of horror stories and very few suggestions other than "Take your dog to a vet."  

     Fortunately, as Jack was running around the house trying to bite his butt, I noticed that his hair was dark brown.  This fuzzy little bastard had blocked his way by being too hairy.  It reminded me of an old joke: A bear and a bunny are taking a dump in the woods.  The bear looks to the bunny and says, "Do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?"  The bunny says no, so the bear wipes his butt with him.  

In desperation, I searched the house for rubber or plastic gloves and found none.  I locked Jack in the bathroom and, as I was pulling hair and poop, he head butted me trying to get away.  He got me right in the nose and made it bleed.  He was in the bathtub and it had water in it, so when he jumped out and shook off, dog-poop water went everywhere.

     So, there I was, soaked in nasty water, hands covered in poop and blood, digging dirty hair out of my dog's butt, and happy to be doing so.  At least he didn't have some disease or a battery lodged in his colon. We both took a shower afterward- two for me, thank you.  

Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself